well the server was down yesterday, so I couldn't update this like I wanted to. You would have gotten a very happy message from me yesterday. Avigen and I finally talked, and decided that we were going out. I'm less happy with that now. Not that I don't want to be going out with him, I definatly do, I just realized something tonight, and that has put a big shadow over what I feel. It's sometimes very depressing to learn your place. Yes Avigen and I may be going out, and yes he cares about me. But I will never be as important to him as Joyia. I see that now, and there is very little he could say to me at this point to make me believe otherwise.

Juluis, Avigen, Joyia and I all hung out tonight. Joyia had made plans for her whole weekend, and had not really made plans with Avigen. She was soposed to hang out with Juluis tonight. When she realized that she had forgotten Avigen she modified her plans a little. She figured that she and juluis could go hang out with Avigen. Avigen had invited me to hang out with him and joyia so I said okay... Joyia was spliting her attention three ways tonight as a result. She spent a large chunck of her time with Avigen, some with Juluis, and a little with me... durring the time she spent with Juluis, Avigen got noticable upset. to the point where he wanted us all to leave. I was trying to make him feel better, but there was nothing I could do. He just looked so hurt and alone, and I hate that I couldn't do anything about that. so yeah Juluis, you were right, I was upset about something, but it's not anything I can change, so there's really no point in complaining to you about it...I'm going to see what happens tomorrow when Avigen gets out of work, if he calls me like I asked him to, or if he just blows me off. or what. I'm hoping we'll get to hang out, so he can vent verbally about what was bothering him, not that I don't know. He'll probably feel better if he says it out loud though.

Hopefully I will be less depressed by then, and I won't act stupid and selfish and whiney.

I look at it this way: I can either get pissed that he has stronger feeling for Joyia. Or I can accept that he does care about me, and accept my place. I think I'll opt for the less agressive of the two...