I was right about not being able to show my parents how upset I am... My cat is missing right now (because we're not all upset enough) and my mother thought she saw him, so she went runnign outside, and called for him, then our loud, drunk shit head neibors started lighting fireworks... My mom cam in and was all upset, and I heard her say "why does my mother die, when people like that are allowed to live" and she burst into tears...

Julius mother is being a cunt... She says she's lost all her trust in him because she thinks he's lieing to her about some things... He's not. Personally, I Blame her husband. I think he been saying stuff about Julius to her, and now she's all paranoid, and she found some stuff and he pushed her to the point of not believing Julius, when normally she would. He needs to get out of that house, ... ,

I'm going to write this, because it's whats going through my head. I know the people who it's about are going to mis understand, but I'll straighten it out.

I once said that in the grand scheme of things my emotions mean very little. I'm feeling that an awful lot right now. All I've wanted for myself since my grandmother died is to be able to curl up alone with some one and just let go. Get as much of it out as I can. I just want someone to hold me while I do that. I want to burry my face in someone's chest and cry. There are very few things worse than crying alone on your bed. Either way, one thing or another has come up to prevent that from happening. I'm not saying that My friends aren't trying to be there, and admittedly I've steped out of the way so that I'm not imposing on them. I'm just saying... I don't know what I'm saying. My brain is just so frazzled right now, and I have to work tomorrow.

Oh well, I sopose it's off to my empty bed to cry myself into a state that somewhat resembles sleep. I wonder if I'll wake up at 6 in the morning again today...