Some times, when I have nothing to think about, My grandmother pops into my head. They finally ordered her headstone. It'll be ready in six weeks. I visited my grandfather the other day. He's still so upset. I'm still so upset when I let myself think about it. I thought about it tonight at work, and had to stop myself before I started crying. It's so selfish of me to still be upset about this. If the Christians are right, she's in heaven. If others are right she's reached a higher level of consiousnous, or she's riencarnated, anyway she's not here suffering. I think it all goes back to the whole what if factor. what if we're all wrong? what if there's nothing? what if she's just rotting away in the ground?

::sigh::

She's really really gone. I miss her so much. so much.

In his entry Julius said I was erratic. I am. He said he wished he knew what to do to make me better. I wish he knew what to do to make me better too. 'Cause I don't. He's been really good about it though. Like yesterday when I had a random panic attack (kind of) he helped calm me down a lot.

Oh that's right, I didn't write about that because I was too tired. Friday, Avigen Julius and I went to dinner and a movie. between the two, I all of the sudden was caught up somewhere between wanting to kill everyone in the mall, and wanting to curl up in a ball a cower. nearest I can tell it was spawned by some really annoying people who got in my way at Sam Goody... It lingered through the movie, was fuled by the idiots who couldn't shut the fuck up behind us. To the point where, by the time we were back in the mall I was looking around and realizing that aside from Avigen and Julius, there was no one around who was worth the oxygen they were breathing. *not* normal thoughts for me. At the boiling point I couldn't tell if I wanted to cry or scream. So held it in because screaming in public when one is nor being raped, robed or murdered is bad manners. I think Avigen had picked up my mood, and Julius was trying to get me to say what was wrong, but I didn't know, and all of my efforts were going to not crying/screaming, so talking was not a doable thing at that point... he asked me to come into his house when we got there and I did, and layed down in his lap, and let whatever was still trying to force it's way out of me leak out slowly, it came out in the form of a few tears, and a lot of muscle tention and strained breathing. then we watched shrek. I went home.

That was the best thing he could have done, just let me let go in his lap, or on his sholder. I don't know. Some stuff in me is changing, and I need to figure out what it is before I'll settle down again...