I want to apologize for the past couple of entries. I've been feeling really drained lately, and I know that my writing has suffered for it (so much for my dreams of this diary hitting #1 on the New York Times Best Seller's List). If "creativity is intelligence with a boner" then I think life must be... doing... something... that doesn't give you a boner... and kills your brain cells.... right. Yeah.

Today was a horrible day, but that just about wraps up my shitty week. I really can�t shake this horrible feeling of stress and worthlessness. The bitchy sister has decided to make an ass of herself, and my life a living hell while I�m still here. She laid into me for eating lunch on Saturday, and I have strong suspicions that she�s taken up shutting off the water while I�m in the shower� I haven�t been able to shave my legs in a week. She apparently doesn�t like the fact that I�m still not speaking to my parents. She was saying that I�m immature for doing it. She also started demanding that I give her a check, and a whole bunch of other things. My sister has this horrible ability to know exactly how to phrase things to make me mad. I do a lousy job of describing it here. It�s partially because she sound like she thinks she�s some fucking queen who will be obeyed. That really irks me. She talks like she�s better than me, which is not a good way for people to go about getting me anything other than made at them. This is the part that I love: since she bitched me out on Saturday, saying that I was immature for not speaking to my parents, she�s been ignoring me. Nothing like a hypocrite in the middle of your week to make you wonder why you still care� Which actually brings me to the last point I want to bring up concerning my family. Avigen has pointed out that I would be much better off, and less stressed if I would just stop caring about the Bitchy one. He�s right of course, and if I knew how to do it, I really think I would. I can�t quite figure that out. I have complete control over my physical reactions. I can turn off my reactions to cold, and tickling at will, but I can�t stop the way I feel. About anyone. That�s actually probably better in the long run. If I could do that I wonder how many of my friends wouldn�t be friends anymore�

On another depressing note, one of my fish committed suicide at work last Thursday� I got off at 1:30, and at 7 the closing manager noticed him on my desk, he was all grey, and just barely flapping his gills� they put him back in the tank, but he didn�t last the weekend. I�ll miss him. I had him for almost three years. He was a good fish. I know that might sound weird, but he really was. He used to make me play with him. He was in a tank on my bedside table, and at night he would swim into the glass until I put my finger up for him to chase, and if I stopped before he wanted me to, he�d start banging the glass again� My other fish is lonely I should get another, but I don�t know if the living one would be offended. I say bullshit to the people who say they only have 3 second memories. These two knew me, and each other. And they both had/have their little quirks� The one that�s still alive knows when I�m going to change his water, he gets nervous at first, but then he figures it out, and by the time I stick the net in the water 9 times out of 10 he swims right into it, and lays perfectly still until I put the net in the cup, at which point he swims out�

Today, I got up at 9:30, which gives me enough time to get ready and leave my house and get to work for 10:30, but I started work at 10:00, so instead of taking my time I had to run around like a cow with a lighter under her ass to get there on time, which I did, barely. Work was miserable after that. Madame Hooch got up and stated that she had to leave, so I�m really worried for her right now. Her daughter is 8 months pregnant, and I really hope it�s not concerning her, but I don�t know what else it could be. I also got this call from a woman, I was on the phone with her for 16 min, and she kept telling me about all her different� sicknesses. She�s got a brain tumor, bladder cancer, leukemia, and a fractured spine. She�s completely bald from the kemo; her system is so sensitive she can�t even drink spring water because of the mineral content. She was going on and on about how much pain she was in, and how she just wanted to die. And all I could think of while she was talking was my grandmother, and how she must have been going through a lot of the same pain, and how she must have wished that she were dead too. You know, I thought by now I�d be better about Popa and Grammy being gone. Like Maybe, I wouldn�t think about what Grammy looked liked on her bed the night that she died every time I hear the word cancer. Or maybe I could see a good humored old man with out wishing I could hug Popa one more time. You know? Just little things. I have this suspicion that there will always be the little things that I stumble across in life that will remind me of them so strongly that I cry over them when I�m alone to do so (like I am now). Avigen, CSA, and I went to see League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. I liked it. After, we went to dinner, and talked about the movie. We got into a discussion about one particular part, we didn�t all interpret it the same way, well I didn�t. I wanted to point something out, but neither would let me get a word in, they kept cutting me off. I got frustrated (because I hate it when people won�t hear my opinion out) and asked if I could say one thing. Avigen said no. He was joking, but my day had already gone so badly that it really got under my skin. I stormed off into the bathroom gain control of my face again (when I�m trying not to cry my face twitches, it�s rather odd looking) I came back out and killed the mood for the rest of the dinner, but mostly got over it. Avigen and I talked it over. I�m okay now.

Something else that�s concerning me: Clubgirl (again). Avigen is so wrapped up in everything that�s going on with her, and there�s a lot, I guess she�s having problems landing a job, and a roommate, and it�s getting to the point where the state will only be able to help her if she commits herself, or signs herself over as a ward of the state. Now here�s my concern. She supposedly has all these friends up in Maine, but none of them want to help her. Her family kicked her out of the house, she�s got an almost ex husband. Now, if it were only the family and ex husband I might not be so concerned, but if her friends are also turning their backs I start to worry that Avigen may be taking on someone who is nothing but a bag of drama� know what I mean? He met her at a club about a month ago, for one night. They talked a bit on the phone, and when she gets kicked out of her house, she comes to him. Now she�s having more trouble, and all her friends are cutting her off, so she goes to him. He used to talk to this girl online who did something similar, she was always dumping on him. I�m concerned that Clubgirl is going to do the same thing. I should talk to him about this.