Warning: if you have no interest in Role Playing Games Skip ahead to the next all bold sentence.

So two role-playing games ended tonight: Marvel, which was expected, and Abyssal. Ghost had said on Monday that she was going to move the game to Wednesday after Marvel ended because she was always very tired on Monday nights after work, and thought that Wednesday�s would be better suited to the game. That was okay, we were still going to have game this Monday so that we could talk to Piskie about it, but after that it was probably going to Wednesdays. Tonight she announced that she was just going to end it because we don�t usually start until 8 and then we call at 10 and she (still) feels like she doesn�t know where to take it. ::sigh:: So now I have Mage on Tuesday and Buffy on Friday. I know that two games is probably a good amount, but with Abyssal and Marvel being ripped away from me in the same night I feel a little lost. Really there�s not much going on in my life right now. I have no Job, no car; my girlfriend is two hours away. There�s Role-playing, and umm, my journal, and SuicideGirls and that�s about it. Pathetic? Yes, but life usually is when you�re this depressed.

End Role Playing Rant.

I know rushing things is bad, but I always get afraid that the opportunity will pass, and that�s almost worse I think. I need to have a little egg timer installed in my brain so that I can listen to the ticking, and when it slows I can get myself ready so that I�m always in the right place at the right time and talks that need to be had, or actions that need to be taken, can all be executed perfectly, and I can be super woman and be perfectly happy with my life. That theory is good, but in all practicality, if I only had one egg timer I�d never know what it would be ticking for and I�d have perfect timing for all the wrong things. Or, I�d have one egg timer for every important thing in my life, and I�d never be able to focus on the sound of one thing ticking, and the constant disjointed, rythmless ticking would drive me insane, or two timers would ding at the same time and I�d explode trying to get to both places at once, because they�d doubtless be two completely unrelated things�.

Sometimes I wish I could just hit the rewind button and live my whole life over from the beginning. The only knowledge that I�d ask to retain is that I�d fucked up somewhere along the road, and that I was starting over again.

I need to know who cares because I feel very much that I�m forgotten, unwanted, alone in the corner.

Realizations keep smacking me in the face over and over again, I can�t make them stop, and they still hurt as much as they did back in may, and I can�t quite believe it�s been almost 4 months, on both ends of the spectrum. I don�t think it�s healthy when your brain is so bored it thinks in two different speeds. I really can honestly say that it�s felt like forever since it happened, and that it feels like it just happened.

I keep on thinking that I should be better about this. That I should just be able to shove in down in a box and close it up and lock it away and swallow everything and make it okay. I just can�t do that with him though, no matter how much it hurts to not do it. I don�t know if that�s enough.

I�m sorry I�m so half hearted about this, I�m just going insane, and I don�t know that full explanations would be any less confusing than the half-assed ones I�m spewing now. Chalk it up to my fluxing hormones before I start bleeding this weekend. Who knows?

I just scrolled over the entry before running spell check, and was pretty impressed by the low number of spelling errors, but then I realized that word will actually semi correct the spelling as you go along, so I�m sure there were quite a few more than what is left. Oh well. It�s one in the morning, and there are dishes with my name on them. Wheee�..

Joyia - 2004-09-16 22:35:58
::huggles and kisses:: your far away but not forgotten, sides you have my boobs and I have yours. OH and bring my sweat shirt to the lake, its my only one ::sticks tounge out::
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