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Jun. 04, 2008 - 23:19

What gives people the right to think it's okay to scream "FAT BITCH" out the window of a moving car at someone? Seriously, what does that accomplish? you're in a car, and I'm on a bike on the opposite side of the road, you'll be gone before you get to see my reaction. Does it make you feel better about yourself? Do you think it's funny? Why? What about pointing out the obvious in regards to my weight is humorous? and am I a bitch because I'm fat, or is there something about the way I was riding my bike that gave off bitch signals? Would you scream "BLACK BITCH" to a black girl walking or riding by? How about "BLONDE BITCH" to a blonde woman? I don't get it, why is it okay for you to do that?

The saddest part is that I can't even say that it's the first time that it's happened, or the second, or third. I try not to let shit like that effect me but sometimes it just does. I don't deny that I'm a total fat ass, I weigh (as of this morning) 306 lbs. There is no way around it. I get it. There are moments where I am 100% disgusted with myself. Sometimes feel like I belong on one of those TLC specials about the people who are so morbidly obese that they can't get out of their own bed without the use of a crane. Other times I feel like I should lock myself in the house, and not go out in public, just to spare people the sight of me. I do this on my own, without drive-by insults. That's part of the reason I've stuck to riding my bike, and started riding in as well as home. I'm just sick of feeling like that.

I try really really hard not to let it get to me, not to be depressed, and mopey, and constantly complaining about how fat I am. I crack jokes, but not too much, because I don't want to be the fat chick who's always making awkward jokes about her weight to make people think she's okay with being fat even though she clearly isn't. Truth be told, I'm not that chick. I'd say that 70% of the time, I really don't think about my weight, or have any issue with it. I've always been fat. I've rarely let it stop me from doing anything. My goal with exercising is to get healthier, I'd like to be able to do extended physical activities with out loosing the ability to breathe. Is the added upshot to that the fact that I will drop a few pants sizes? Sure, but I can honestly say that I've given up on being a sexy little thing prancing around in next to nothing. I am never going to be the hot chick in the Princess Leia Gold Bikini at the gaming convention (and sadly, I find myself more wistful over the bikini at the convention than the prancing). If I could get to the point where I could make it through an hour long workout without wanting to die, I think I'd be happy. My only real goal at this point is to get down to 250 lbs, and stay at most that for a month, then I'll assess where I am, and set a new goal. but realistically, I don't know that I'll ever really weigh under 200 lbs.

Right now I'm just pissed that I'm so upset about what that kid shouted out the window.

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