::sigh:: and now the boredom sets in. I'm not working until 5. I, by the way work two slightly-more-than parttime jobs. One in a Plus sized women's clothing store called the Street, and one at McJewelrys (with Julius) the second one is only for christmas, it's fun. I get to pierce screaming children, and I get a discount when I get my ears pierced (which I do quite often, I've got 16 earrings in my right ear). My Job at the Street is fun, I get to work with my friend Piskie, I'm actually closing with her tonight, I also get to work with this really funny woman named Twinkie who I used to work with back when I was employed at Hell...

so while I'm waiting for five o'clock to roll around, I'm talking to Julius online, while he's writing a play for school, and listening to music, and almost pulling my hair out because I'm so bored.

I wish Avigen were here, regardless of the emotional aftershocks that would result, because at least I'd be having fun. I was at his house on Saturday and we started talking. He asked me if I was still hesitant about taking things further. I am to a certain extent, but probably not the way he thinks I am. I don't want to have sex with him, because I have feelings for him, and I'd like sex with him to be special, which I don't think it will be if we do it right now. Like if I knew that he had the same feelings I did then I'd be okay with it, but I know how I am, I'd get clingy, and he wouldn't, and it would just end up with me getting hurt but feeling the need to hide it from him. So I content myself with what I've got, and hide how much it hurts me.

I know how pathetic that makes me sound, but I've come to realize that in the grand scheme of things my feelings mean very little to everyone in my life. I think that this is my role in this life. I am the universal Crying sholder, which I don't mind at all. I am always there to listen to my friends, and dole out what advice I can. That doesn't bother me at all. The part of that job that does bother me is that there aren't many people who are willing to take their turn and listen to me. ::shrug:: s'okay. I'm dealing. I sopose this is the closest thing I'll ever get to a crying sholder.

It's not that I don't have anyone to talk to at all. I don't want all of you to think that I have horribly ungrateful friends that use me and don't appreciate me, because that's not true... Julius Listens to me, and he's there with a sholder to cry on if I ask for it. I love him for that. He is willing to put aside whatever else is going on in his head and be there for me if I ask him to be. My real problem is that all of my friends are working through their own problems, and I'm pushing mine aside to try and help them. I am the one who goes around asking them what's wrong, and pushing for real awnsers. There isn't anyone in my life who does that with me.

So I battle with that, and the growing sence that this entire existance is pretty worthless. But I don't think that I'm an unhappy person overall. I like having fun. I love to laugh, and I try really hard to overcome the urge to become a stastic... Okay I think I've ranted for long enough...

No wait....

I haven't........

I read Julius' diary and his paragraph about me, I'd like to know why it's "amusing" that I'm the least likely canidate... (this is said in good humor I assure you, we've talked about this in IRL, and a relationship with each other is really just not something either of us has considered) What is amusing is that my family also thinks we should go out... I love how people automatically think that a friendship between a Female and a Male is just the precursor to a relationship.

and now my real last comment: (it's in response to the 'I wouldn't wish me on her part') Bullshit! If you didn't wish you on me than we wouldn't be friends he he, I'm done now, bye...

Imandra