Death is a scary thing. Well maybe 'scary' isn't the right word for it. Sobering? Wierd? unexpected? final? who knows... I do know that the prospect of my own death is not frieghtening to me. Chalk it up to my low self esteem; Think that I'm full of shit. I don't care. I have a greater fear of spiders, and being alone forever than my own death...

Other people, well that's a different story. I think about my grandmother, and everything that's going on with that, which makes me think about my other grandparents, and then my parents, and then my friends... I don't know how I'd deal with something happening to them that results in me never getting to see them ever ever again. Like we get in a fight, and stop talking... okay fine, they're still walking around and there's the possibility of bumping into them. but One of those people dies, and that's it.

that scares me.

Then there's the other stuff that no one wants to talk about... like babies... that's really what spawned this whole entry... My manager called work today to see if we could cover her hours on thursday. Her cousin's four month old son died in his crib. How messed up is that? he wasn't sick, he wasn't being abused, he just DIED, for no reason. I'm guessing it was S.I.D.S. but that is just so random.

that starts me thinking, I may only be 19, but I do want to have kids one day. I love babies, and children and everything and I really want to raise one of my own at some point. Getting pregnant is not going to be easy for me (because of hormone imbalances that I don't want to get into just now). I think I'd go insane if I had a baby and knew him for 4 months and then went to get him one morning and found him dead in his crib. I don't think that I'd be able to come out of that. It litterely boggles my mind when I think about my managers cousin, I can't imagine what would happen if it were happening to me... I don't know, I'm going to stop talking about this now...