I feel very detached right now. I know what made me this way, but I really don't know why. I hung out with Juluis today, we were waiting for Avigen to get out of work so that we could go play wheel of time with piskie and spider monkey. We watched boogie nights (heather graham and Julieann Moore are soo hot...), and just hung out. at one point we started fighting over a rubber bouncey ball (he threw it at me and then expected me to give it back), and ended up wrestling around for it until he got it, but while he was getting it. is pocket knife fell out of his pocket, so I took that instead. So we started wresteling over that. Now I'm putting this in here because it's a major part of the story later on, but let me assure you it's not as bad as it initally sounds. Juluis likes to tease me, and I'm into bondage, and S&M and all that stuff, which he isn't really. He does however know enough to tease the shit out of me. Well he got a little more into it than he usually does I think because he slapped me in the face (something I do not enjoy). Not hard, he just kinda did it, and I let it slide, because it didn't hurt, and he didn't do it like five times in a row or anything. Either way we continue wresteling, until all of the sudden he gets up and sit's in front of his computer and won't talk to me when I say stuff to him. So I say that he really doesn't have anything to get mad over, espically considering he slapped me in the face (which I said more to get his attention than anything else). He continued to ignore me, and that hurt, I was just sitting there trying to figure out why he was mad at me and what I had done, and then I started getting progressively madder, and then all of the sudden it just shut off. all of it. so I started to get my stuff together, and get ready to leave, at which point he smiles at me and starts laughing. He was kidding the whole time. I should have knoe that he was, I do stuff like that all the time. unfortunatly, I had already shut down, and it's hard (read impossible) for me to turn it back on.

When I say shut down by the way, I mean that my main emotions stop working, and the only thing that comes across is sadness and anger for awhile, then I can start faking other emotions, but really I don't feel anything. It goes away after awhile, like when I get up the next morning. It's not something I control thought, it just sort of happens.

Either way Juluis picks up on it right away, and starts asking me what's wrong, and I don't know what to tell him, so I just say that nothing is. He tries to get more out of me , but them we both get phone calls, and when he gets off the phone he curls up next to me on the bed and starts crying because of the whole slap in the face thing. We just kinda stayed there together, half cuddeling, and me telling him that it's okay, because that's what I'd be feeling if I were feeling, until he kinda falls asleep. I don't know. I want to have my emotions back. I feel really wierd when I'm detached. I think I'm gonna go to bed and hope I'm normal again in the morning.