"You're gonna dance with the dolly

with the holes in her stockings

and her knees keep a'knockin'

and her toes keep a'rockin'

You're gonna dance with the dolly

with the holes in her stockings

gonna dance by the light of the moon"

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When I was little my grandmother used to bounch me on her lap and sing me that song. be prepared for random song interjections like that durring this entry. they're all things she used to sing to me when I was a kid.

I was working today, and I had to go to the bathroom, and something told me to check my phone in my locker. I did, I had missed a call from my mother. I called her back. my Grandmother is really really bad right now, and she wanted me to know, I didn't have to go see her, 'cause she's very bad, but I could if I wanted to.

After I got off the phone with my dad (he gave me directions to my grandparents house, mom couldn't think straight), I went back on the floor, I asked Boss lady if Piggy could come in early for me, and explained why. Piggy was there half an hour later.

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"Sing me a song

Sing me a song

Sing me a song of long long ago

Tell me a story

tel me a story

tell me a story of long long ago"

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When I pulled up to their apartment buliding, Aunty Lori was on her way out to get her hair done (my other aunts made her). she stoped and told me how bad she was. "she's just lying there, she can't really respond to you , but she'll try, she's too weak to talk, and most of her hair is gone, she's lost even more weight, and she's breathing like she has to remind herself to." ::gulp:: I go upstairs to my grandfather who's waiting in the hall way, he tells me the same thing.

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"I'm chicita banana and I'm here to say

you got to keep banana's in a certain way..."

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I walk into the room and my mother is sitting at the head of the bed, her older sister is at the foot.the second to youngest is sitting near my grandmother's head and the youngest is by her feet. the stupid bitchy middle one was stand at the foot. My grandmother was worse than they said. I know what her body will look like in a few years. because her skin was so loose I could see her skeleton right through it... the two aunts sitting next to her got up so I could sit near her for a little bit. I said hi, and held her hand and told her I loved her, and she kinda moved her head a little, and opened her eyes as best as she could they rolled around for a little and she closed them again, but I think she caught a glimps of me. she moved her other hand so I held that too, and I rubber her arm, and every now and then she'd do the same thing with her eyes, and I just smiled and said hi when she did it. after like ten min. she groaned. and my mother asked what she was wanted. One of her eyes got really watery, and she said something without moving her jaw, lips or tounge. I took me awhile, but she said I love you... So I said I love you too grammy, and like five min. later she did the same talky thing and said I love you too.

Then she rolled her eyes around again and caught my grandfather and started moaning a little and lifting her hand, so he went and sat with her for a little, until he burst into tears and had to leave. He and I went out to the lobby and he calmed down, and went back in.

We all just kind of sat there, watching her. she take these really wierd breaths, and then she'd stop breathing for like thiry seconds and take the same wierd breath again. That was so scary. I kept on thinking she wouldn't take another one. then she started lifting her hand again, and my mother told my grandfather that she thought that my grandmother was holding on because she was worried about what was going to hapen to him. so he went over and help her hand and told her that he was going ot be okay, and that his daughters would take care of him that we'd all take care of each other, and that she could let go, she didn't have to hang on... and then he started crying again and said that he felt like he was puching her into the grave.

We spent more time watching. just before my mother gave her her medicine (mostly pain killers and stuff to keep her from vomiting) my grandfather took her hand kissed the front, kissed her palm and said god bless you, he said that they do that everynight, and he thought maybe she'd feel better about leting go after that. My mother gave her the medicine (which is a sopository), and they changed her, and moved her, and all she could do to let them know if she was in pain, or comfprtable is moan differently. I was there for about three hours, and my mom finally told me that I should go.

I don't want her to die, but I also don't want her to be like this. and It doesn't matter what I want, because there is absolutely nothing I can do about it either way. She's very near the end.