Today was soo draining. I got up at like 6 in the morning. We had to go to the funeral home for the final viewing. I wanted to touch her, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I don't know why. all the grandkids put a picture in the casket with her. The only one of me that we had wasmy old prom pic with Punky, Tylo, and Comode...

After that we went to the church, I did my reading fine, so did The bitchy one. When the priest incenced the coffin he said that as the smoke rose it was taking our prayers and her soul up... The smoke seamed to linger around the coffin.

Then we went to the cemetary, I thought that they would burry her while we were there. They didn't. It felt so wrong to leave here there alone. there was just this guy who she didn't even know standing near the coffin. It wasn't right. I feel like the whole thing is un finished. maybe I'll go up there tomorrow. Maybe that'll give a little more closure.

I'm such a wreck right now. I don't want to tell my parents, because they've got their own shit wo work through. My sisters are no help. Avigen is at LARP tonight, I could probably have asked him not to go, but there's no reason to make him miss out on something that only happens once a month, and that he enjoys. Julius had said that we could hang out when he got out of work, but FRAngel showed up at the mall and he asked her to hang out and she said yes. He siad I could come, but all I feel like doing is crying right now, and I don't know FRAngel that well, and I'd just be anti social and stupid. Besides, Julius likes her, and it's not going to send very good signals to her if I'm crying on his sholder. So I told him I was fine with not going, but I'm not. So now I don't know what to do, 'cuase there's no one hear and I feel so alone...