This is my second entry of the night... Boredom and a desire to get my brain to stop working have dirven me to playing around with my browser settings, and I'm pleased to anounce that I have figured out how to shut off pop up windows!!! yay for me.

I still can't shake this really empty alone feeling I have. I wish I had someone here, or that I was some one else.

I was talking to my mother. Telling her that I was glad that I went to see Grammy before she died. My mother said that I was lucky I got there when I did, because she had looked ten times worse before. She said that she just had this look of terror in her eyes. People handle death differently. My grandmother was scared. I wish she hadn't told me that. Now I know the only reason she didn't look that way when I was there was because they were giving her drugs. I knew they were giving them to her before, but I thought it was just for the pain, not because she didn't want to die. This changes my whole out look on this whole thing. and now I feel really bad about leaving while the coffin was still above the ground. She wasn't ready... She didn't even want to think about i while she was alive... she wanted to pretend that it wwasn't happening. It's not fair that she had to die afraid. and it's not right that she was burried alone with no one who knew her there. we should have stayed. I'm going tomorrow.

I don't believe she's gone... I don't want her to be.

Sometimes, with the rest of my family, I feel like nothing, a looser. I'm the one who dropped out of college, I'm the one with all the piercings, I'm the one rumored to be gay, I'm the black sheep, I'm the fuck up. Sometimes I feel like the rest of them look down on me. I never, never felt like that with Grammy, or Popa.

I can't stop thinking about all these things, Can you tell this is the first death of anyone close to me? I can't stop crying either. I have to sit here and try to be quiet becaue the rest of my family is upstairs, and I don't want to wake them up, because I don't want them to know how upset I am right now. I also don't want to interupt them if they're upset too...

I'm usually pretty good at loosing myself in stuff, but I can't seam to do that tonight. My book can't hold my attention. there's litle to do online right now, and I have no one to talk to. ::sigh:: I hate my life.