I've fallen into my 'if I don't think about it, it's okay' phase. It's not working very well. Mainly because I can't stay there. It's not okay for me to pretend that she didn't die. I catch myself, and realize what I'm doing and feel horrible, because My grandmother has six feet of dirt piled up on top of the box that her body is decomposing in. In a few years my grandmother, The woman who baby sat me as a child, who used to bounce me on her knee and sing me songs, who always gave me one more cookie, who reminded me of big bird, who's kitchen always had this strange portugese irish smell to it, who sat there watching a Heavy Metal rock video with honest intrest while my grandfather, mother and sisters were telling her to change it, will be physically reduced to bones in a box.

How am I soposed to pretend that that's not true, that that's not happening? Why do I have to let all of those things go? It's been said a person is not dead if others think about them. How am I soposed to do that without hurting? And then there's the inevitable thought that I will loose other people forever too.

I can't even go visit her. Her head stone isn't up yet...

I wish my mother hadn't told me that she look terrified. That makes all of this so much worse. ?What if she's still scared? What if her refusal to acknowledge her sickness made her refuse to acknowledge her death? what if she's caught in her coffin, alone and to scared to listen, or realize what to do? None of this is fair, None of it.