Can I just die? please? I"m sick of this, all of it. No more I'm done.

I found out today that I'm emotional wreck, and it only flows out when I'm put in an uncomfortable situation. everything seams to come out all at once, for everything that I'm upset about. Instead of getting angry, like I used to, I start crying like this huge useless lump.

Today at work (poland springs, not the street) the 13 people in my orientation class all took calls in the learning center. we paired off as well as we could, and our trainer walked around to help us. I was actually doing really well until I got this woman who was making impossible demands, and was yelling at me. I got upset, and when I got off the call I started crying. the girl I was sitting with (who was absolutely inept, and more trouble than she was help) took over and the trainer said that I shouldn't let it get to me like that. So I felt like a moron for crying, because he was right.

Then later I was back on the phone, and it was near the end of the day, and I just couldn't figure out what to do for the customer. She didn't seam to understand, and I could make her. The trainer had been taking over calls when people got overwhelmed. I was overwhelmed. I asked him to take the call, and I was again on the verge of tears. He took that call, but before he did he told me that If I kept on reacting like this, I'd never survive on the floor. I got upset at myself this time. I just feel like the biggest fucking moron on earth. no one else broke down crying.

So I went out to my car and called Julius to vent. And promptly got brushed off onto Avigen. Who was working. He called me back and we talked. He suggested that I tell them about my grandparents. Julius had suggested the same thing. I don't want to sound like I'm using that as an excuse. Avigen said that I could either tell them and have them be understanding, or not, and look like someone who can't handle pressure. I don't think it would matter which way I go, because if I do day something I look like the person who always has an excuse. I told him that, and he said that I didn't seam to want to listen to what he had to say, so I told him to finish. He got all huffy and said "no, I'm finished" I told him fine and hung up. So now I'm stuck here alone, and miserable, with no one to go to.