Tomorrow should be fun. Joyia, peppy, and I are going to get our rats from the lady at the pagan store. Then we'll all go to Piskie's house and then she and Spider Monkey and Joyia, and Peppy, and I are going to go to the beach, and then to a Carnival, feast, celebration type thingie. Avigen might join us when he gets out of work. That is as long as piskie doesn't let her computer problems drag her down too much. :-( poor thing, her computer's not working, and she's got all kinds of important things on it, and she's worried she's going to loose it. she's talking to me right now. I hope Spider Monkey can fix it.

::sigh:: speaking of Spider Monkey, I feel bad. He found out tonight that Joyia wants people to go skinny dipping at her birthday party. He's not very comfortable with that Idea. Piskie doesnt' have much of a problem with the idea, she really wants to it seams. We were talking about it at work. He seamed like he was getting pretty upset about it. I was trying to understand why he was so uncomfortable about it. It's just difficult for me to understand. I'm wierd when it comes to stuff like that. I'm selectively uncomfortable about nakedness. I'm not overly happy with the way my body looks right now, but when you get right down to it, I really don't care. Like when we go to Joyia's party, I'll go skinny dipping, whatever.

I do think I understand why Spider Monkey's upset about it though. our group of friends tends to be very hands on. prime example? tonight at work Piskie and I were trying to tickle each other, and she ended up winning because she started chewing on my side. I think the idea of us all acting that way with no cloths on kinda freaks him out a little. I sopose that's understandable.

Either way I felt bad. I don't want him to a) be uncomfortable at the party or b) decide not to come and then spend the whole weekend upset and by himself. ::sigh:: I don't know.

There was a woman in the store tonight who looked just like grammy. It feaked me out a little. I still miss them so much. I want to hug them both just one more time. well no, that's not true. I don't think that if I were truely given the chance to give them one last hug, I'd be able to let them go. Popa is my favorite relative. I don't know, this all hurts so much. It shouldn't. It happens all the time, we all die. why, if this happens to all living things on this planet, does it hurt so much? and if you stop and think about it, it's really selfish to get this upset. Are you worried about the dead person when you get upset? not really, you're thinking about how them being gone effects your life. about how much you miss them. about all of the things you wish you could have said because now you feel gulity for never getting around to saying them.

I'm feeling insecure about Avigen again. He goes through phases where he gets distant. Now is one of those phases. there are a lot of questions I want to ask him, but I'm really afraid of what the awnsers will be.

I want to ask him why he asked me out.

I want to know if he really does love me.

I want to know if he thought about asking me out before he did, or if it was just sort of a thing that poped up in his head.

If he was thinking about it before why didn't he say anything?

If he wasn't what made him decide?

Did he like me in High School?

Is he happy with how things are with us?

Does he regret asking me out?

ther are probably more questions but that's what springs directly to the front of my mind. I should ask him these things. I shouldn't be afraid of the awnsers. Even if they're not what I want to hear, because if most of them are things I don't want to hear, than I should probably be rethinking my relationship status with him.

::sigh:: I need sleep now, I'm going to get up early tomorrow, and hopefully still go to the beach.