::sigh:: Julius thinks that Avigen and I need to sit down and have a talk. I guess avigen is getting frustrated because he knows I'm upset about something, but he doesn't know what. Julius says He knows that I'm upset about something that I'm not talking about too. They're right. Here's the problem: I'm not entirely sure what I'm upset about either.

A lot of it is connected to my grandparents. I still really don't know how to deal with this, everyone else seams to be content with telling themselvesthat they're better off, and it's selfish to be upset that they're gone. you know what? I could give a flying fuck if it's selfish. I miss them, I want to still be able to see them.

I think that loosing them has warped my brain. I've been getting all upset, and I'm really afraid that Avigen doesn't love me as much as I love him. I hold things back because I do't want to scare him away, but it looks like I'm doing that anyway, because he knows that I'm hiding something. I don't want to pester him, and he's also got this vision of me in his head, he's always saying how strong I am. Right now I am definatly not. Right now I am pathetic and weak, and I feel like crying at everything, and all I want is him to say that he loves me, and mean it as much as I do.

Then there's another part of me that is scared of loosing him, not like breaking up, but like being old, and him dieing or being young and him dieing. I know for a fact that that is because of my grandparents.

I just want to sleep as much of tomorrow away as possible, it's going to be another boring putzy day. I'm going to be one of those pathetic girls who just waits around for her boyfriend to call because I have nothing else to do. I don't even know if he is going to call. ::sigh:: I'm gonna go get lost in my book.