Faithful readers, fear not, I did not forget you these three days that I have not updated, I've taken up writing entries at work, and I haven't had the motivation to post them when I get home, so here are four entries for the appearance of one, the last part being where I update you on anything that's changed since the writing:

9/22/02:

I am once again forced to wonder if I'm completely insane. I just feel completely out of whack, and I wonder if I'm more upset than I have reason to be. I haven't seen Avigen since wednesday. I was looking forward to seeing him at game tonight. I called him and left him a message because I wasn't going to be able to give him a ride. He called and told me that he wasn't going to be there because of homework. I'm not upset with him. I'm upset that I don't get to see him. Me being this upset makes me just wonder about the whole relationship; which it shouldn't. It just seams like I'm a whole lot more upset about not seeing him than he is about no seeing me. And that's so unfair of me to get upset about. I know he cares about me. He was more than convincing of that the past couple of times we've been together. So now I'm more upset because I'm stuppid.

Then I'm on the way to the mall to drop off two boxes of boxes that I've been storing at my house for McJewlerys since christmas. Julius had called me earlier and asked me to come back to the mall after I had already been there for a meeting that morning. I didn't want to do it. but I did. I called him before I got there to tell him to come out and help me with the boxes because I had already almost tripped with them like three times on my way out the door. He informs me that he can't help because he just took a half hour break, and can't I just make two trips. eah, I could but I don't want to. I tell him as much and wait... he says nothing so I get more pissed and tell him that it doesn't like I have much of a choice and hang up.

I know I got more upset than I should have. I'm sorry for that. I'm going to go see my grandparents now...

9/23/02:

I was too tired to post that last night, I went to see my grandparents. The marker is all set. I felt wierd standing there; for two reasons: 1) they had just laid grass seeds and I didn't want to kill the grass. 2)I kept on getting this rather disturbing mental image of my grandparents coffins stacked ontop of each other, and me stradeling my grandfather's casked. I think I want to go make a rubbing of the marker. I asked Piskie and Spider Monkey if that was wierd. Spider Monkey said that is was fine as lond as looking at it didn't make me upset all the time. I don't think it will.

Game was great last night. we played until 1:30 am. I apologized to Julius as soon as he walked in. I had undirected anger and instead of getting mildly annoyed at the situation, all of the anger said "oooh a target!!". He was understanding. I was so tired after game. The off and on torrential down pours didn't help much. But I made it home.

9/24/02:

I flipped in last night. I can't say that I flipped out becaue it was all internal. I was at Julius's house and I stopped talking for a while. I'm not really sure why. I just didn't have anything to say, and when julius picked up on it and asked my about it, I couldn't find the words to awnser him. I think I'm going insane. I just feel very sick of my life right now. Not everything, Avigen makes me happy. My friends are great. I just feel like I"m in the middle of the ocean with an inner tube and an toothpick: My stability is there but it rocks with thw slightest movement, I don't know which way the shore is, and even if I did, well toothpicks aren't very effective paddles.

I think I'm going to end up alone tonight. That's probably better. I should catch up on sleep, but part of me really doesn't want to be alone. I called Avigen, but I think he's working tonight. Julius must be working tonight, he had yesterday off. I could go to the mall, but I really don't want to do that either.

I thin the knowledge that I have friday off is making this week crawl even slower. All I want in life right now is lunch and a nap. I'll get the nap, in about 15 min. I'm debating running to the bank and Wend's, but I shouldn't (after reviewinf my funds I realized I had more than I thought! yay for food!) And now to endure the longest 5 min of my life...

Tonight

Okay, I got no nap, but I got McDonald's. so I sopose that's okay. One of the girls who sits next to me started talking to me more, like actually putting forth the effort to find out about me. that's pretty cool. I talked to Lysander today too, I've mentioned him briefly in here a long time ago I think. I worked with him in hell. He's a really great guy. We're goign to hang out thursday night when he gets out of work. just to talk and catch up and stuff. we used to do that all the time when we both worked at Hell. I miss it.

I did end up alon tonight, but it wasn't so bad as I thought. Joyia called me because she ws stuck at school. Poor thing, It was really good to talk to her though. I can't wait for her birthday. mmm only two more days... yay!!