::sigh:: I really am losing it. it's a little freaky.... Yesterday I felt so alone, It sucked so much. a) because I hate the feeling, and b) because it's not even very valid...

I know I felt like Avigen was distant the whole weekend, but really he wasn't. I shouldn't doubt his feelngs for me so much. I know he cares about me, but anytime I'm feeling upset it always comes down to that... It's not fair to him.

Yesterday I needed one on one human compainionship. I called Avigen on my break (it was one of those days where I knew it was going to suck right from the beginning), and woke him up. It takes Avigen awhile to be ummm, concious? yeah that's a good word, after he wakes up. I talked tohim for a little bit, then let him go back to sleep.

I called Julius on my next break to complain about my really shitty mood (one that was not at all helped by the fact that I thought I was working at 9, but I actually was soposed to be there at 7:30). We talked. It would have helped if I weren't a complete psychopath. When I got out of work I called Avigen again to see if he was more awake. He wasn't, but I asked him if he wanted to go to dinner. He said he was sore, and tired, and dirty, and he really wanted some sleep. ::sigh:: I called julius to complain. He was at work (which isn't his fault), and training a new girl, so I'm still alone. I called Aislinn to see if she wants to hang out. Cell phone= Voicemail, Home phone= confused sounding man. Not her fault, but once again I'm psychotic, so now that I've exausted all my available resources, (there aren't many people that I will subject my horribly depressed self to) I'm very upset. I decided to be as much of an emotional masochist as humanly possible, and go out to dinner by myself. (actually the only reason that even bothered me was becasue Avigen and I had talked about it a while ago. I was saying that It doesn't really bother me to eat or go to the movies alone, He said it made him feel pathetic to do stuff liek that by himself, and that's all I could think about while I was getting ready to go). I was walking around the mall spending money that could have gone to lessening my debt when Avigen calls. he says that he couldn't get back to sleep, and wanted to know where I was and if I still wanted to do something. Yay!!! He says he'll meet me at the mall.

That my friends, was all it took to lift my mood. All we did was go to dinner, we didn't even hang out afterwerds, but I am in a much better mood because Avigen saved my from my lonelyness... It's almost sad really. We did talk over dinner, about a lot of things, and I appologized for how psychotic I am lately, and I also explained that I was still having doubts, but the reason I don't voicethem is because I know that they're unjustified... all in all I think it was a good night. I wonder how long this happy mood will last...