I"m so sorry about this diary, it looks like it's turning out the way that most other journals I've kept do... I'll be good about writing them for a while, but eventually I loose interest, and stop updating. This one has lasted longer than most, but I think that's because I had these visions of a captivated audience awaiting my next update. I've lost that illusion a bit I think... My friends read this for the most part, although sometimes I wonder if they do read it or if I just get skimmed. but I don't think there are that many people who I don't know that are reading this thing. Well I think sol does maybe, but that's pretty much it as far as I know. (if you do read this and I don't know about it Leave me a note, Sign my guestbook, or e-mail me and let me know, I don't bite unless you want me to)

I'm at Joyia's house right now, wishing I could get drunk. See there's this funny thing that happens to me sometimes when I'm drinking, I can't quite find an pattern, or reason for it, but everynow and then when I start to drink, I get a very tight burning feeling in my chest, and I breakout into a cold sweat. that happened tonight. The only thing that really makes it go away is laying down for a bit, which I did, and now I feel better, but I don't get to drink for the rest of the night now, which stinks.

So my Baby rats aren't babies anymore. I came home the other day, and there were Seven babies in the cage with the male and the female, they grow up so fast... I suck them in the freezer, ans was going to bring them up here for Joyia so she could feed her snakes, but I forgot them, she's bringing me home tomorrow, so I'll give them to her then. I just hope that no one at my house looks in the bag...

I put Star in with the Tear, and Pie before I left, I fugure they can fight tonight while I'm gone, and get it out of their system, so that they'll be less noisey when I get home. I just feel a bit bad for Moon though, he'll be all alone in his cage.

I watched my $630.00 pay check dissapear thursday... about $500 went to my car insurance agency, because they never got my payment (it got lost in the mail), then I had to pay Julius back for my cell phone bill, and some lunch that he bought me, wich took another $80 and now I have to figure out where I can get $91 so that I can pay off the last bit of my piece of shit, and then it'll be mine, and I can think about getting it fixed so that I can drive around, oh, and while I'm doing all of this I also have to pay CSA about $620 for Origins, and pay for Avigen and I to get regestered... oh yeah, I'm thrilled at this prospect... I'm actually half considering quiting the street, and getting a graveyard shift at a McDonalds, or Wendy's so that I can pull in some extra money and get everything paid off quicker. I'll die If I do that though, I'll never get any sleep...

Maybe I should start playing the lottery, $2 out of every paycheck isn't so bad, espically if I win...

Oh, and Fat camp has gone out the window, No car + No money= no Fat camp, I might start it up again when this is all settled, although I have all of the information I need to do it myself, It was kinda nice to have the weigh in's everyweek though. I could do it myself I sopose... oh well. I've been too stressed lately to really pay attention to what I eat.

I'm really off too, I don't quite know how to explain what I'm feeling, empty, kinda, fed up, alone, distant, frustrated. clingy. disgusted with myself. Insecure.

Sometimes I just feel like I'm this huge oaf, really disgusting, and pathetic. I get like that and I wonder if others think I'm that way, if Avigen thinks I'm that way, if joyia does,...,and why they bother. I don't know. blah.