First something that I got from a girl at work:

THE COW THEORY

DEMOCRAT :

You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

SOCIALIST:

You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

REPUBLICAN:

You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

COMMUNIST:

You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:

You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:

You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:

You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the 2 cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch. Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. You produce your 10th, 5-year plan in the last 3 months. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION:

You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.

POLISH CORPORATION:

You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

FLORIDA CORPORATION:

You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking one.

NEW YORK CORPORATION:

You have fifteen million cows. You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some dumb cow from Arkansas named Hillary.

And now an e-mail conversation I had with Lysander at work the other day:

Lysander: yah, my Chic has continually measured my LITTLE FRIEND and I Would be like, what are you doing! Hehehe, its funny to watch her, I can see her mentally counting the Inches :-p

Me: regardless of what most men seam to think, it�s not that important...

Lysander: actually, that is right, because of something called the G spot, I have more luck with my large manly hands than anything else:-D

Me: ::rolls eyes::

Lysander: hehehe, it�s true, and my talented tongue comes in handy as well so that Really, I never need Sects :-D

Me: Thank you for that information... I'll keep that in mind...

Lysander: I BET you will :-D

Me: ::evil grin::

Lysander: heheheheh, I wouldn't wanna spoil you for Avigen though :-D

Me: ::raises eyebrow:: I'm not putting you down at all, but I seriously doubt that...

Lysander: *laughs wildly* Oh? My sweet and docile nature not to your liking?

Me: that's not what I mean, I'm sure you're good, but I doubt you're better than Avigen�

Lysander: *smiles* how would you Ever know ! :-p you have never experienced MY love makin babes :-p

Me: that's true, but still...

Lysander: but still WHAT you dunt know, I mean, I agree, Avigen is prolly much better at the PARTICULAR STYLE of DOM and SNM stuff, but what I do, I do very WELL ! mwuahahahhaha

Me: I'm sure you do, but that doesn't mean you're better than Avigen...

Lysander: *SMILES* well, perhaps I should take him up for a CONTEST to prove my point!

Me: I thought you didn't "wanna spoil" me "for Avigen though"...

Lysander: who said you would be part of the contest? :-D

Me: well taking into account that people have different ideas about what is and isn't amazing in bed, and you're looking to see if I think you're better than Avigen, I'm assuming that I would be involved...

Lysander: oh, well, see I was looking for a more BROAD sense of a totally encompassing idea of the encompassing relationships, therefore, we are gonna need many more women and many more hours to gain the scientific empirical data for the study, I am assuming no less than thirty women over the course of 6 months will be sufficient

Me: lol, ahh, well you get the thirty women, and I'll bring Avigen...

Lysander: Excellent, excellent..........now, Where are we getting the funding for this? It may require much in that department, perhaps the proceeds from selling video's of our Debauchery?