I hate this. I hate having this dread in my stomach every time I have a meeting with a manager. I hate fearing for my job just because I'm in a room alone for an hour. It shouldn't be this way at a job. ::sigh:: The pay is so good there though. I just wonder if it's worth it for how I feel when I go home. I'm finding it hard to get up in the morning. I like my manager, but I hate these one-on-one's we have. He takes me into a room, and we go over how horrible I am at my job. It is with justification. There are certain things that are tracked at the job: how long we aren't ready after a call, how much of our shift is spend logged into the phone, our attendance, and our call quality. I'm not where I need to be on most of those, I'm close, but not quite there, and I feel like I can't get there, and all these meetings do is make me feel bad about myself. ::sigh::

Even after the meeting, when things go okay, I still have to wonder if maybe I don�t belong here. But then I�m forced to wonder where I do belong, and I don�t know the answer to that either. I�ve been a royal bitch, to everyone lately. Julius remains convinced that it�s because I have nowhere to go to distress now that things are so bad at home. I hope he�s right. I also hope that I get out of here before this state of mind becomes permanent.

The house is coming along nicely, we have a real living room now, because of some clever moving around of the furniture that his father is taking. I�m starting to feel like all we�re really doing when we go there is juggling around the junk, but I do get the impression that with every juggle we are sifting out the unwanted balls, and eventually we will have it condensed to what we need. We�ll get it right eventually, and then it will be ours, and all will be good.

Interesting work story: I talked to a man from California who said that he "had a lot of Asian customers" so he wanted to know if we could deliver tea� it was said seriously, and he gave no sign that it had been intended as a joke. The temptation to tell him yes, and that if he liked we could also install a Dojo for him was strong, but I refrained from say it, partially for not wanting to be fired on the spot, but also for fear that he might not know what a dojo is� Some people� I can just picture the look on Margaret Cho�s face if she were taking the call�