I don't know what wrong with me. I don't know what's happening. I'm slipping, I'm falling, I can't stop. Things are trying to change, but it's not happening. It's making me short with people, angry, depressed, wondering again why I bother and what's the point. There's the dangerous, spiral-esque part: I think things like that, about how much easier it would be to just stop, and then I hate myself for being so pathetic and weak. Why can't I just find a job? Why couldn't I just finish school? Why can't I just do the things I need to do? Why can't I listen, and help people the way that I used to? What if I never change? What's the fucking point?

I talked to Piskie today, She told me a little about her shitty fan. The old me would have known what to say to her to make her feel a little better, now, the best I can come up with is "I sowy" and ::hugs::

Avigen had said yesterday that he wanted to go up to Haven w/ Snakelady and me on tuesday. He asked me to talk to Joyia about it, which I did. Tonight he seamed much more like he didn't really want to go. He had said that he's falling into another insomniatic spell. The old me would have sat down with him, and talked, and tried to make him a little more relaxed. Instead I got mad because he was changing plans after being the one who made them in the first place. That is so selfish I can't even begin to explain how disgusted I am with myself right now. I want to puke. I hate myself.

I know how patheticly much this sounds like a cry for attention. I promise you it's not. I just can't contain these feelings anymore. They need to come out, and better here than other ways I could think of to deal with it...