So things on the House end of the spectrum are settled. I got the money from my parents, I don't have to pay them back. I'm still in shock for all of that, and one way or another I'll have money by the next time rent is due.

I'm still not entirely sure that Avigen and I are okay though. Things are different, I don't think he has much interest in me as more than a friend at this point. We hang out rarely, and when we do it's to go to a movie, or sit on my couch and watch something on TV. I can't remember the last time we kissed, like a nice long, passionate, I need you kiss. Nor can I remember the last time he called me to make plans (though in his defence on that matter, I don't give him much chance to. If I find out he's got free time I ask him to do something, and usually lately, get shot down). I just don't know what to make of the situation. I don't know if we should really be dating now. I don't want to break up with him, but I've been saying this since october, we don't spend time together, and it hasn't changed, and I don't know that it will. What we have now is a friendship. I am so in love with him, and it kills me to say anything about us not being together, but I'm trying to be truthful. He's soposed to move in in July, and I'd feel a lot better about that if I knew where we stood, I think part of what he's doing is rationalizing that we'll see each other all the time when he moves in. I can't rely on that, I need to know where we stand before he moves in. If it turns out that we aren't able to continue in a relationship, I need to know that before he comes to live here, I need that settled in my head. I'll need time to deal with that before he's here every morning when I wake up.

He is the best thing that will happen in my life. He's smart, and sexy, and funny. I love the way he makes me feel when we're together. I don't want to loose that, but part of me feels like I already have. I know that we will always be friends, but I really thought that he and I would be together for the rest of our lives. I've never felt like this about anyone, and I don't know that I ever will for anyone else.

Every time I try to talk to him about these things it all gets jumbled in my head. I feel stupid for feeling like this, or guilty because I know that he hasn't been getting sleep, or that he had finals, or work, or that his parents are stressing him out. When I talk to him I feel better for a little bit, and then nothing changes, and it all comes flooding back. This is what I'm stressing about for the most part now.