It's probably too early for me to actually say this. I know it's only been two days since he broke up with me, but it doesn't feel right. If I really try to think about it I feel like I can't breathe. I want to be with him, because I'm happy with him, because I love the way I feel around him. Because I still love him, and he still loves me. Because I still think we could have worked through it. Maybe this is the way we have to do it.

I type all that, and then wonder if I'm useing that as an excuse to be okay. One of the things he said while we were talking (okay, while I was begging him not to do it) was that it wasn't nessicarily forever. At the time I told him that I couldn't do it, partially because I was afraid that I would look at it more like a break than a break-up, and that's not fair. That's not me dealing with it, and I have to do that. I have to realize that he broke up with me, that he couldn't deal with being in a relationship with me.

He came over today to return a video game he had borrowed from Julius, he ended up bringing back my playstation, and all the stuff he's borrowed from Julius, and a ring I gave him way back at the beginning of our relationship. We hugged (which, to me at least felt right). He appologized for not running game last night, but said that he wasn't up to it (which will probably be more apparent after the next paragraph). He said that he might run next week, and asked if I was okay with him being there. I just nodded. How could I not be okay with him? I'm upset, and I'm dealing (slowly), but I will always be okay with him. He did what he had to do.

Yesterday Snakeface came over to cheer me up, he took me out to lunch. Later Julius, Ghost, Snakeface, and I went out for dinner. Ghost had a message on her phone from Avigen, Joyia apparently broke up with him over the internet, while he was telling her about he and I breaking up. I knew that she was going to do it (she had actually planed on doing it when Snakelady and I went up to the club, but Avigen didn't go), but I can't believe she did it over the internet, while he was talking about how he broke up with me. After Ghost got the message, there was about an hour where we couldn't find him, he wasn't picking up his phone, he wasn't at home, we called a few other places. In the end it turned out he did what I figured he'd do, he couldn't find Ghost, so he went to Sacred Ways to talk to Snakelady, then he ended up giving a friend from work a ride home. Ghost and I both left him messages on his cell phone, he called her, and then called me. I'm glad he did, part of me wasn't sure if he would.

I've been trying to call Joyia since last night, I have her home number, but there's no awnser, and the machine doesn't pick up, she left an IM asking me to call, I've tried, I can't get through.

Julius keeps asking if Avigen is still going to move in. we talked about it before he actually broke up with me. I still want him to, but I don't know if he still wants to. Julius wants to talk to him about it, but I think it's still a bit too soon.

I guess that's all.