Last nigt I went to Manray with Piskie, Saytr, Snakelady, and one of her friends. I had a lot of fun. We got back to my house around 5 in the morning.

Today I had a family birthday to go to, my parents picked me up at one. I did not get much sleep, and I am so tired right now. Julius has Animegirl over, and one of her friends, Their upstairs watching movies, so I'm staying up for a bit, but I forsee an early night tonight, which is good, because then I'll get up early tomorrow and be much more likely to go walking, which I haven't had a chance to do since wednesday.

I feel very empty right now, like there is so little to me, and I don't understand myself. Is that wierd? because I've been feeling like that a lot lately. I've been thinking about choices I've made, and things I've done and found myself wondering why I did those things. When I look for the motivation behind them, I find nothing, and I just keep feeling like nothing matters, and I don't know what I want, and I don't know what the point is. Not a new line of thinking for me, it just seams to be happening a lot more often lately.

I've also been thinking about the whole thing with Avigen. Maybe the whole thing was for the best. The reason I was getting so upset all the time is becuase I really did feel like his heart wasn't in it. When I brought it up to him, he'd say that it was, but actions speak louder than words. The actions weren't there, and when I really pointed it out to him, when I wrote about how I was the one who initiated everything, and that I was always getting shot down, or pushed aside, or put on the backburner, I was told that I was spiraling down, and that he was there to help, but wouldn't be pulled down with me. I never asked him to be pulled down. I was spiraling, but not in relation to what was happening with him. I was being pushed aside. No matter what he says. And since the breakup, there's been nothing, no talking, anything, that hasn't been initiated by me. I think he was done with me, and I think that if he hadn't done it when he did, by now, I would have been sick of it. It would have been over.

I can have these thoughts, but it still hurts, and I still miss what we had up til about 6 months ago. I don't think I miss who he is now though.

He said when we broke up that it didn't have to be a perminate thing, and I think he's right. It doesn't, but I'm not the only one who has to change. I have started changing, just like I said I always would. It's not my fault that he couldn't believe me. The back together ball is in his court. I'm done serving.

I'm too tired, I don't know if I'm making sense.